Monday, June 25, 2012

Kick Ass Martial arts

Caution: Reading this list could cause you to dream about the people on it, in which case, you are liable to get your ass handed to you like a hat. These are the toughest Martial Artists on the planet, bar none. Of course, there are others who probably should have made this list. (Martin Riggs springs to mind) and would have if this were the top twenty kick ass Martial artists list. Either way, these top ten guys and gals (and creatures?) will open a whole six-pack of whoop ass on any bad guy who looks at them crosswise. It is too bad they are fictional. We could use a couple of these maniacs in the Middle East.

10. Frank Martin

You will not need to buy all that extra insurance on a package that you need delivered. Just hire Frank Martin. If anyone tries to mess with your delivery time, rest assured Frank will improvise and kung-fu anyone who tries to delay him. There are rules, however that Frank has no problem following. Break even one of them and he will break something else, usually the arm or the leg of the person responsible. Jason Stratham is one bad-assed Transporter who always gets the job done. He has style, he's always on time, and he loves to "Armor Up" his brand new car. The last one was a lightning fast Audi A8 6.0 W12. We just do not know which rule is most important, "Never Open the Package" or "Always Take your Shirt Off" before wiping the floor with the bad guys. Flex for the cameras, Mr. Martin.

9. Mr. Miyagi

It is rumored that Mr. Miyagi is the illegitimate love child of Yoda and one of the Pokémon, although which one is unclear. Mr. Miyagi is famous for teaching teenagers how to Karate and get his chores done around the house at the same time, he just barely escaped charges for breaking several child labor laws. It takes incredible patience to train a teenager who knows nothing about Martial Arts and teach them to be a world-class karate champion in a matter of weeks. Some people believe he also ran a car detailing company on the side called the Wax on, Wax off Car Wash. He must have been hard up for money, as he has been spotted chasing flies around the house with chopsticks and drooling.

8. Walker, Texas Ranger

No top ten martial artist lists would be complete if it excluded the bad assed marshal from the lone star state. If there is one thing that bad guys do not like, it is snake skinned boot prints on the side of their already ugly faces. If you don't believe me, just stand outside the Federal Marshal's building in Shitkicker, Texas (Dallas, Fort Worth) and drop a piece of trash on the sidewalk when Chuck comes out. Before you do, copy down this number. 1-800-NEW TEETH.

The television series ran for eight seasons and proved to be incredibly popular, if not unbelievable in its depiction of police work and realism.

7. Yoda

Okay, we know Yoda is a stretch as far as Martial Arts goes but hey, you cannot deny the little guy has the moves. Besides, I would rather be pounded by a big burly Chuck Norris type than have to tell my friends I just got my ass handed to me by a little green troll with a light stick. Yoda is the toughest elf-like creature on the planet and, using the force, he could slap you silly just by looking at you. Let's see Jean Claude do that. Dare I say it? Let the force be with you.

It's Green as a pea, It jumps like a Flea

6. Casey Ryback

Casey Ryback is the bad-assed cook from the Under Siege movies starring Steven Seagal. Born in Canada, this Navy seal busted to cook and re-promoted after he saved the USS Missouri, single handedly maimed, mutilated, shot, stabbed, power sawed, blew-up, and de-adams-appled a couple of hundred top notch bad guys. These were not your run of the mill thugs off the streets or common lackeys from Bad Guys R Us. They were highly trained at the Bad Ass Academy of Henchmen School located at the KKK headquarters in Alabama. Tough guys for sure, but not tough enough as Casey "the cook" Ryback Kung fu-ed the entire class of 79, and that was just the first movie.

5. Liu Kang

The toughest man in the video game Mortal Combat, Kang represents…and he is damn good at it. He has to win the game because the rules state that if you lose ten times (your entire planet) is eliminated from the competition and everything else, they (I assume the Mortal Combat Overlords) destroy it. The dude has the moves and is so good; he has even made the jump from game to movies.

4. Beatrix Kiddo

Former member of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad, this stone cold killer is considered by many to be the most deadly woman on the planet. This chick can kill you with her fingers employing a killer move called the "Five Point Palm Heart Technique" and be done with it; however, she would prefer to fight it out with her Hanzo sword, hand to hand, or with whatever else is handy. Her code name is Black Mamba.

3. Lara Croft

Lara is one of those dedicated Martial Artist who is constantly training, constantly adapting, and always adding new moves to her Martial Arts repertoire that make her one of the deadliest women on the planet. If she has a weakness, it is her lust for money and material things that no one else has. Backed by untold fortunes, she is not afraid of anything and is willing to go anywhere. She has Martial Arts, is proficient with guns and knives, and has a great pair of legs as well. Guys, keep dreaming. Angelina Jolie plays Lara in the movies (So far there are two) and she has moves too!

2. Bruce Lee

Created by Chinese Writing legend Ni Kuang, (With 300 plus Science Fiction and Wuxia novels and 400 plus movie scripts to his credit.) the character of Chen Zhen, deftly portrayed by Bruce Lee, became an instant Chinese hero, and helped to launch the careers of several other Chinese heavyweights, such as Jackie Chan and Jet Li. When the movie was released in China, it was so popular that theater owners were pulling it from the marquee for weeks at a time so that the other movies shown in their establishments would have a chance to be viewed. Chen Zhen opened up a massive can of Chinese Whoop ass complete with an extra helping vengeance soy sauce when his master is murdered. Bruce and Fist of Fury developed a cult following in the U.S. and as a result, increased the popularity of the real Chinese fighting style taught to Chen Zhen in the movie, Huo Yuanjia

1. Agent Smith

Agent Smith is the bawdiest of the bad simply because he has access to and can instantly learn any Martial Art form that he chooses. He struts his stuff in a black suit and glasses like the Men in Black on steroids and loves to kick butt. The scariest part of his facade is the way he talks. He speaks very deliberately, which can be extremely unnerving to his prey. He tried this on "The One" with "Missss-ter An-der-son." You cannot run from this guy/computer program because he is just too fast. (He is more like an anti-virus program than anything else) You cannot hide from him either because in the Matrix, he can be anyone he chooses by simply taking over his or her program and popping up anywhere. One minute you're talking to your Mother-In-Law, the next, she is Agent Smith and is kicking your ass all over the matrix. Agent Smith is the number one fictional kick ass martial artist mainly because I would be too afraid to tell him he is not. The same number 1 spot could have gone to Neo which ultimately defeated Agent Smith, but this bad ass guy has more charisma.

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